monday morning musing

'We want to feel, acknowledge, and see how exaggerated, eccessive, and absurd our false energy really is. If we own and take responsibility for our darkness, if we feel how it has wounded ourselves and others, how it has allowed us not to love and not to be loved- if we do that,.. we will become alert to the other side, to our greatest gift, or rather, the actual depth of our gift. Our gift is our sin sublimated and transformed by grace.'
 Richard Rohr, The Enneagram

 and some baby photos just because:

sleepless nights, anxious thoughts

Another Sleepless Night
I'm turning in my bed
long before the red sun rises.
In these early hours
I'm falling again
into the river of my worries.

When the river runs away
I find a Shelter in Your Name:
JESUS...only Light on the shore,
Only Hope in the Storm.
Jesus, let me fly to Your Side
There I would hide, JESUS.

Hear my anxious Prayer
The beating of my Heart
The pulse and the measure of my unbelief
Speak Your Words to me
before I come apart
Help me BELIEVE in what I cannot see
Before the river runs away
I will call upon Your Name:
JESUS...only Light on the shore
Only Hope in the Storm
Jesus, let me fly to Your Side
There I would hide, Jesus.

Amen.
song by Fernando Ortega

November: oh my!

This month is as full as it could be.

the kids have many projects to finish, presentations to make, dances to practice.
there are end of year gatherings
a 12 year old boy birthday party to organise & celebrate
and of course the very obvious around here- two babies to welcome into our midst
(every day the children ask-'will it be today Mama?')
and then there is the normal- laundry, food, general house tidy, outside work to be done

 Although lately I have been anxious and worried about all the unknowns ahead today I feel surrendered and as the balmy summer breeze caresses my face I know someone greater has it all under control and I am resting in that knowledge.

Pondering

This quote used in The  Ragamuffin Gospel........

Eugene O'neills The Great God Brown
"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter?
Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the sky and sea?
Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"

the house feels empty

Some days my heart hurts so much. It's usually the days when I've managed to have no errands in town or no appointments at the school and I'm sitting in this big empty house. It's not really empty, there's Missy and Tommy, BJ, the chicks and the ducks ouside. It just feels empty. Its so quiet. I can hear strange creaks from the walls as if the house is talking. I hear the washing machine spinning the clothes to their death. A tap drips. I miss them.

I look up and see them in the frame and I wonder why, oh, why did I send them to school?!

This place begs for activity and creative pursuits, crazy running around and read alouds in front of the fire. Now that they are at school I feel I don't have time for any of that. I'm barely managing to make sure they have a clean uniform. Problems are cropping up that we never had to face when they were at home. So much is out of my control. The child who is so much more swayed that I realized, the other one who is so tired they aren't there usual easy going self, and the eagerness for the little one, only four, to be like the big kids.

It certainly  not all bad, there is so much goodness abounding for them. I just have these days sometimes. I miss them.

in his own time

Our third child, this boy that grabs my heart strings, his soft round cheeks, his full of wonder and love brown eyes and the smile...always that smile.

Strong and tender, so easy to love but not so easy to teach. 

I would back off, give him space to wander outside, climb those trees, make concoctions but if I got the books out he'd resist, roll the eyes mumble something like ' not another story' or the worst, the one that hit deep ' i hate books'.

I would find myself crying out to God ' help me with this boy, how do I instill a love of books in this boy who is so stubborn, resistant?' 

Always I'd come back to this: acceptance, patience and now and again slipping in a book about rocks or reptiles. Slowly, ever so slowly and gently suggesting this one over here on snakes or that one on mammals.

The questions come frequently: Am I not doing the right things? Should I be firmer? Have I spent too much time on the older children and not enough time reading with Zach? Am I not seeing something?

And then always I come back to seeing this boy with the sparkle in his eye and wonder in his heart.The love on his lips and I see him whole and perfect just as he is in this moment right where he is meant to be. I pray as I let go of my agenda for this moment that one day he would have a love for books perhaps not as I do but in his own way.

This year as the very rhythms of our days have changed dramatically and this boy, this one who could never sit at the table for me, this boy who resisted my every effort...well- he blossoms before my eyes!

He reads! Yes, yes he reads. Is it wrong to be so excited? I try not to make too much of it but inwardly I'm all shouts and yippees. It's not just the reading, it's his attitude; it's flipped to be motivated, excited and proud. He SO wants to learn. What could be better than that- children who want to learn and know they can!

I do wonder though; is it the teacher? Does she have  a knack with him, a way with him that I didn't? Or is it timing? The seeds had been planted and waiting for the right season to flourish? Perhaps a mix of not being threatened by two older, louder seem-to-be-able-to-do-all siblings; maybe being amongst kids who are all at different stages and it's acceptable and normal. ( Zach is in a class of Kindergarten, year 1 and 2). 

What ever the reasons this boy is flourishing and that brings such joy, and I humbly give thanks to the one who leads our path and continues to lead this boy and his Mama.

public school and yet

Living a creative inspired life is my heart for my children, a life where they think for themselves not just swallow information; a life where they explore and test and discover. 

This year finds three of our four children at a small school and during fragile moments I worry. 

I worry that they are being institutionalized; that they are being fed information and worksheets without the discovery, the thinking for themselves. 

I worry have I sacrificed them to the system because I couldn't  handle the deep waters of home education.

During those times (especially), I look around and I see the little 'life corners'. Those little spots where inspiration can be found to discover, to look into, to take note, to imagine, to dream.

I might make a little 'tea-time', some yummies with tea-cups and read some poetry or have them read to me.

Home Education is a heart attitude and I remind myself that even though they now go to 'school', I am still in the little things, the details creating an atmosphere of life and education.

thanking our way through Lent

Thinking about the lead up to Easter
what does it mean
to me
to our family
how do we want to celebrate Easter

I have been writing my thankyou's in my visual journey for a few years now
I covered some Moleskins and talked to the kids about easter
about all good things
about the giver
I suggested they keep their own book
writing down those good things
how many could they get down
a way of remembering
noticing
the Giver

With such enthusiasm have they taken on their thankyou books
each day leading up to easter we note down
the countless ways
He loves us

pondering

 

'When all of our idols are taken away, all our securities and defense mechanisms, we find out who we really are.  We're so little, so poor, so empty—and a shock to ourselves.  But God takes away our shame, and we are eventually able to present ourselves to God poor and humble.  Then we find out who we are and who God is for us.  That is how an enslaved people became God’s people, Israel.'

Richard Rohr

'In a certain sense we are on the utterly wrong track.  We are climbing while Jesus is descending, and I think in that we reflect the pride and the arrogance of Western civilization, always trying to accomplish, perform, and achieve.  We transferred much of that to our version of Christianity and became spiritual consumers.  The ego is still in charge.  When the self takes itself that seriously, there’s no room left for God.
Richard Rohr, February 2011


'The desert period knew that you did not think yourself into a new way of living, but you lived yourself into a new way of thinking.  Let’s allow ourselves this Lent to seek new life settings for ourselves, much more than new ideas to discuss and shelve.'
Richard Rohr, February 2011


My heart whispers this new week are that I would be aware of Him,
that I would be yielded to his work within,
in and through all aspects, all moments of each day
that I would not get in the way

a link

 A post from the Parenting Passageway that I want to reread and remind myself of so I thought I would share it here in my reminding space... especially at the moment as an unnamed someone travels through some ups and downs of growing into themselves.  

And some unrelated images just because.

 

When Your Children Are At Their Worst….

February 8, 2011 by Carrie

 

You need to be at your best.
You need to set the tone.  Quietly.
You need to calm down.
You need to use your hands gently to help.
You need to approach your child in a true manner that shows you actually want to help them.
You need to be able to pass this duty to someone else in your family if you cannot do it right this minute.  This does not mean you have failed, it means you are human.
You need to still be able to love your child, even if you don’t like them this minute.
You need to know this too shall pass.
You need to know life is full of these moments.
You need to know there is no perfect peaceful house.
You need to know that your child is not doing this on purpose.
You need to know your child loves you and wants to connect with you more than anything.
 You need to know you are doing your best.

hopes for the year ahead

I hope this year I -

• have more joy than ever before!              

• delve deeper into my faith and find a faithful community to join and pray with.

• fall in love with my spouse again and again.

• ENJOY my children and have FUN with them.

• learn some new skills and enjoy the process.

• garden

• read and read

• will be the most gentle parent I can be.

• forgive myself                                     

• become healthier by exercising and eating healthy foods.

• care less what others think                  

• learn to live in the now

• have more gratitude than ever before

• have a warm home where love is felt and life is experienced to the full

• quiet the voices that steer me away from my true self

• have a cleaner, more organized home 

• am outside and active as a family in all seasons.

• sing

• spend time with the friends I hold dearest

• take a holiday no matter how short

a good end

To end 2010 it felt good to climb this mountain and shed the stuff that I don't need or want to carry into the next year.  To think over the year past and the year ahead during five hours of putting one foot in front of the other. To be awed by the creative beauty and just breathe.
This was a good end to a year full of change and upheavals of all sorts. And a reminder to myself that despite difficulties and darkness, despite brokenness and betrayal there is hope and light, and if I can keep on believing one step at a time I will soon come to *see* and gain some perspective.
This mammoth walk was a way to reset my mind and heart on the things that are good and leave behind yesterdays sorrow and disappointment and embrace the now.

Goodbye 2010 and thank you for all you taught me and where you lead me.

today

today marks a new season for us.
today I've prayed all day for two particular people
today has been so much quieter than usual
today Zach was a bit lost
today I couldn't wait to hop in the car and drive five minutes to the village
today I knew I was doing the right thing
today I gave thanks for his peace which surpasses all understanding
today I surrounded my heart with the knowledge that when I'm not there, he is.

give us ears

It is a beautiful, overcast & rainy Sunday morning. With fresh made coffee in hand  I close my eyes and still my mind and heart and wait...wait to hear. 
Waiting to hear beyond myself...his whispers.

 He speaks music, beauty, peace...its so simple. Why do I complicate things? Why does it take me so long to sit with him, hear him...be still.

The Din Undoes Us

(written in anticipation of reading 1 Samuel 2-3: [Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening])

Our lives are occupied territory…
occupied by a cacophony of voices,
and the din outdoes us.

In the daytime we have no time to listen,
beset as we are by anxiety and goals
and assignments and work,
and in the night the voices are so confusing
we can hardly sort out what could possibly be your voice
from the voice of our mothers and our fathers
our best friends and our pet projects,
because they all sound so much like you.

We are people over whom that word shema has been written.
We are listeners, but we do not listen well.
So we bid you, by the time the sun goes down today
or by the time the sun comes up tomorrow,
by night or by day,
that you will speak to us in ways that we can hear
out beyond ourselves.
It is your speech to us that carries us where we have never been,
and it is your speech to us that is our only hope.
So give us ears.
Amen.

~ Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Brueggemann.

 

I can see clearly again, I have his song in my heart and I sing. I sing praise for the beauty around me, I sing thanks for the noisemakers- those four that He is using to bring me to my knees; before him, with him, in him. And in that place 'I am carried to the places I have never been', only dreamed of.
Yes, Lord give me ears.