more January moments that remind me to give thanks

the last two weeks :: 2

 

so much love and support

time with friends over meals

opportunity to go to the art gallery

have sleepovers

be blown away by our home having a spruce-up

trying to get through the nights of feeding two  babies on my own

waiting to hear the results and process of Matt's recovery

and finally after two weeks coming home all together

 learning to deal with Matt's limitations for the next three months while he wears a brace and his back heals

the last two weeks :: 1

Where to start and to coherently describe the last two weeks with a foggy, lack of sleep state of being that I'm in? It might be easier to copy a page from my journal, my ongoing list of things I'm thanking God for :

:: the gift of staying at our friends home (which was minutes from the hospital), and it truly felt like home, so much so that the kids cooked and played as if in thier own space

:: bottles. yes bottles-this time would have been so much harder if I had been the only one feeding these two babies.

:: the big kids helping to settle and soothe

:: a beautiful German girl able to help and occupy the kids

being close to the shops and getting all the school needs including haircuts, which would have been much harder being at home

 :: friends to help pass the time away

:: being able to walk to see daddy at the hospital each day

:: these two cute little babies, I'm so thankful for when they're not crying and I can see more of who they are

2012

I was going to start this new year, this first month of 2012, marking moments. The mundane, the everyday- the stuff that makes our lives.
I was going to celebrate the new year with friends..I imagine we would of had a bonfire outside, red wine in, talk of our heart whispers for the coming year, reflect on the amazing year that was.
I imagine laughter and lots of kids running around, plenty of hands to hold unsettled babies, a BBQ on and a trip at the waterhole.

This 2012 has not at all begun the way I'd imagined.

New years Eve found Matthew being helicoptered to hospital after having an accident at the waterhole, we are waiting to hear more news at the seriousness of his injuries.
Friends did come- to support and hold unsettled babies. Make coffee, take big kids for a swim, pray.

Despite not having time to reflect or savor the passing of one year to the next I hold close the fresh reminder that  - life is a gift. And the everyday moments of our lives are extraordinary: a friend who wraps their arms around you, a hot cup of coffee, a child's laughter, a friends offer to mind the kids, a meal shared,
-it's all a gift.

 

I go into 2012 not at all how i imagined but I go in feeling deeply rich and with the knowledge that though dark times come there are flickers of hope everywhere if i look. I hope that 2012 finds me more full of thanksgiving and contentment than ever before as I fully live the mundane, the everyday moments: the extraordinary.

sleepless nights, anxious thoughts

Another Sleepless Night
I'm turning in my bed
long before the red sun rises.
In these early hours
I'm falling again
into the river of my worries.

When the river runs away
I find a Shelter in Your Name:
JESUS...only Light on the shore,
Only Hope in the Storm.
Jesus, let me fly to Your Side
There I would hide, JESUS.

Hear my anxious Prayer
The beating of my Heart
The pulse and the measure of my unbelief
Speak Your Words to me
before I come apart
Help me BELIEVE in what I cannot see
Before the river runs away
I will call upon Your Name:
JESUS...only Light on the shore
Only Hope in the Storm
Jesus, let me fly to Your Side
There I would hide, Jesus.

Amen.
song by Fernando Ortega

right now

 I'm SO over it.

(36 weeks with twins)

monday

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here

 But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

(faithful by Brooke Fraser)

last week

 Despite a nasty flu knocking us down I got to spend hours reading, playing UNO over & over, drinking lemon tea and just being with my boys. It was a disguised gift.

Pondering

This quote used in The  Ragamuffin Gospel........

Eugene O'neills The Great God Brown
"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter?
Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the sky and sea?
Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"

the house feels empty

Some days my heart hurts so much. It's usually the days when I've managed to have no errands in town or no appointments at the school and I'm sitting in this big empty house. It's not really empty, there's Missy and Tommy, BJ, the chicks and the ducks ouside. It just feels empty. Its so quiet. I can hear strange creaks from the walls as if the house is talking. I hear the washing machine spinning the clothes to their death. A tap drips. I miss them.

I look up and see them in the frame and I wonder why, oh, why did I send them to school?!

This place begs for activity and creative pursuits, crazy running around and read alouds in front of the fire. Now that they are at school I feel I don't have time for any of that. I'm barely managing to make sure they have a clean uniform. Problems are cropping up that we never had to face when they were at home. So much is out of my control. The child who is so much more swayed that I realized, the other one who is so tired they aren't there usual easy going self, and the eagerness for the little one, only four, to be like the big kids.

It certainly  not all bad, there is so much goodness abounding for them. I just have these days sometimes. I miss them.

a good end

To end 2010 it felt good to climb this mountain and shed the stuff that I don't need or want to carry into the next year.  To think over the year past and the year ahead during five hours of putting one foot in front of the other. To be awed by the creative beauty and just breathe.
This was a good end to a year full of change and upheavals of all sorts. And a reminder to myself that despite difficulties and darkness, despite brokenness and betrayal there is hope and light, and if I can keep on believing one step at a time I will soon come to *see* and gain some perspective.
This mammoth walk was a way to reset my mind and heart on the things that are good and leave behind yesterdays sorrow and disappointment and embrace the now.

Goodbye 2010 and thank you for all you taught me and where you lead me.

the din undoes me

Thinking about this poem this morning as the noise in my own mind overwhelms.
Refection, silence, appreciation for the now and stillness of the mind seem so out of reach and yet apart of me knows that is all that matters...being present in this moment and all it has to offer.

Today despite my failures and harsh words I will start again. 
After all isn't that what advent is about.
Grace.

Yes please, Grace.